Paranoia

Okay, so I am probably the single most paranoid person that you can ever imagine.

I have a seriously overactive imagination so every little thing that someone does, I generally assume that I did something to upset or annoy them.

The worst is text messages. Don't reply to my message? In my head you've been hit by a bus, axe-murdered and thrown in the Stour, kidnapped by a gang on balaclava-wearing thugs, and are in hospital having some sort of life-or-death operation.

The worst is where I think they're ignoring me. I hate being ignored because it makes me feel like I've done something wrong.

But instead of just waiting for them to reply to the first message, I have to send a couple more. Just in case. I get desperate for a response, and in my head I have a little rule set up in my head:

If they don't reply within 24 hours, they're probably dead. Or worse. They secretly hate me.

I wish I could be more relaxed about people but I just care too much. I mean, I could probably move to Mexico, change my name, my number and social media and no one would give a damn. When I get my phone confiscated or I'm working for a long time or there's some other reason I don't have any contact with people, I expect a tonne of messages.

Usually I have nothing. It's super sad.

Then from time to time I turn on my phone and I'll have 256 unread messages and 14 notifications. Generally some sort of group chat but still. Makes me sort of happy.

So, let's use today as an example. There are people I know who are in a lot of trouble over exams and are intending to go all out and revise every single second they get.

Yeah. I have tried to say that over-doing it is just going to make things worse. But hey, what do I know? Not like I ever revised, huh. I remember getting so stressed out on my first set of exams in school in France when I was 10 years old. We had termly insignificant tests but I was told they were like the most important things ever and as technically a primary school kid I believed them.

Went too far. Stopped eating. Didn't sleep all that much. Ended up just not very well.

So basically I keep trying to be like "don't stress" and trying to make everyone happy again.

Because that is my definitive purpose in life. To make other people happy.

No replies. Not seen any of the messages. It's been over 24 hours.

Dead. Obviously.

I make light of the situation but in all seriousness I am proper worried and I hate being like this. I know that revising's going on and I'm guessing that phones are off and stuff but jeez what if something did happen and I didn't know.

Like, just before Christmas James took the day off school and I had no idea he'd gone to hospital and was diagnosed with appendicitis. He didn't reply to any of my messages asking what was going on (obviously). I then texted his sister who was like "Oh, mum and dad said they thought you knew - he's having an operation!"

Bloody fantastic, I'm telling you.

So I just sort of have to text people over and over reminding them of the paranoia so I sort of get a pity message at God-knows-what time and can actually sleep rather than freaking out about something that is 100% not happening.

And if I talk about it to someone else?

"Maybe he's just busy."

Great. Thanks. Busy. Being murdered!

I suck at being cool and collected. I just have mental breakdowns over everything.

I hate that I probably come across pretty clingy as a person. But honestly, I just assume everyone's in jeopardy 100% of the time.

I mean, with earthquakes now happening in Kent, what am I meant to assume?