A Mini Me

Most people have a lot of funny stories from when they were kids but having been talking to my mum, I was honestly such a classic *embarrassing* child it even cracks me up!

So I spent the first few years of my life living in a teeny village alongside the Kentish downs, so it was essentially like living under a very green and spacious rock.

So I saw mostly the same people day in, day out basically. However I did learn things through the TV which made me feel awful smart. I was one of those inquisitive little children that asked questions about literally EVERYTHING. I had to know the ins and outs of just about anything and everything.

Even from a young age I liked swimming, so there I was, swimming with my mum, armbands on, and who do I see other than a black man.

So I'd learnt about different skin colours on the TV but I hadn't really seen it first hand so according to my mum, my little chubby three-year old face lit up and I paddled off before she could do anything about it, to talk to the poor chap.

"You're black, aren't you?" I said, very proud of myself.

"Yes I am," He replied. "And what colour are you?"

My face shone even more and I flicked my head in a very know-all fashion.

"Oh, I'm SILVER!"

Silver. I said I was silver.

Silver. 

SILVER???

Oh my word. Wasn't I just wonderful?

I was also fairly demanding. I still am, really. Reply to my message, hug me, love me... JOKING. Or am I? I'll leave you to suss that one out...

If I wanted something, I wanted it and I would go to extreme lengths to ensure I got what I wanted. So, when I was three I actually lived in Kavala, in Greece for several months because of a work placement my dad had got. So my life was pretty damn chill, beach every day, sandcastles every day, paddling, glorious sunshine. The picture-perfect life, when you think about it.

But I wanted an ice-cream, even though I'd already had one. So my mum said, "No, Robyn, you can't have another one, play nicely now please."

But that wasn't good enough for me.

I waddled up to the kiosk, approached the man who was second-in-line and yelled "BUY ME AN ICE-CREAM, NOW!!"

And to the poor guy's credit, he did. 

So I walked back to mum, happily slurping away at my ice-cream, which shortly followed with a full-blown interrogation as to where I'd got it from.

"That man bought it for me, mummy!"

Just dropped him right in it. I was such a little shit!

So mum had to pay the bloke back and I got away with my ice-cream, although I did get in a LOT of trouble.

Like, a hella lot.

But the "now" thing kind of was kind of a thing for me. We were at some barbecue, I was two years old I think? Anyway, I went up to my mum and I said, "Mummy, I want another drink!"

So, my mother being a wonderful model parent for all the people surrounding us, replied "And what's the magic word, Robyn?"

So I stood up tall and went "NOW!!!" 

Everyone nearby scarpered pretty quickly, like oooh, how embarrassing. I had that effect. I made people walk away from us, I was so embarrassing.

But my all-time personal favourite has to be the time we went to B&Q. Again, I was two and I was stuck at that awkward stage where I called every lady "mummy" and every man "daddy". So mum was trying to get me to kick the habit, like "No Robyn, that's a lady."

This one time though I got it spot on.

So we were browsing for God-knows what around B&Q and the sales assistant walks over and politely asks "Hello there, is there anything I can help you with today?"

My arms dropped down by my sides. My eyes widened like saucers. My jaw hit the floor.

I lifted one arm, pointed at the sales assistant and yelled, at the absolute top of my voice,

"MAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!"

For what was stood in front of me, was reasonably obviously, a male transvestite looking absolutely mortified.

So what did my mum do?

She scooped me up under one arm.

And she ran as fast as she could to get the hell out of there.

She couldn't exactly tell me off; I was merely being honest.

The moral of the story is: don't get caught with me out and about in public, because I have a talent for showing people up.

Yup. That's me.