Unfortunately, I'm the only member of this conversation that actually remembers what was said.
You can probably guess where this is going....
When I asked what Danny actually remembered from the conversation, he said "I vaguely remember calling you miss piggy, or I dreamt it, or something"
The more worrying part is that, no, he hadn't dreamt it. That part did actually happen.
Receiving a drunk phone call from your
ex boyfriend / very good friend at 00:15 may not seem like most people's idea of a hilariously noteable event, but honestly, this was too funny. And the best part is, he doesn't remember a thing. Which is half the reason I'm doing this now. Because I'm evil.
Just casually reading a crappy romance novel that my mum bought on my kindle when my phone buzzed and I nearly had a heart attack.
I answer it knowing it's Danny, because caller ID, 21st century and all that jazz an I'm met with "HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI!!!!!"
So after saying hello, my first words were "Danny, are you drunk?"
In a rather too excitable tone, he reminded me that he did not drink. I accepted that, unconvinced, before I heard "HEY GUESS WHAT?! SHE'S BUYING IT!!!"
Yep. He was drunk. For the first time, as he told me.
I shouted out my hellos to his best friend Jason, who I was told wasn't there by Danny, only to receive a clear "Hello Robyn!" in a voice that distinctly belonged to Jason.
It was explained to me that the boys had shared a bottle of Jack Daniels. That's 7 or so shots each. I know for a fact that they finished it as there was a "FUCK!" down the phone after a little while.
Upon enquiring of the nature of the curse word, I was told that Danny had in fact, just whacked himself around the face with an empty Jack Daniels bottle. I reminded him of this once he'd sobered up, and apparently this must be the cause of his mysterious bleeding lip. At the time all I could hear was loud sobs and moans and shouts of "You don't know how much this hurts, Robyn. You couldn't even imagine this kind of pain. Nothing compares to the pain I'm in right now!"
What a nutter.
After being quite the gentleman and asking how I was, and what was going on, he decided to ask me when we were getting married. This is in relation to my friend Jazmine having once stolen my phone and texted Danny all the lyrics to Bruno Mars's "Marry You", to which Danny said yes.
Sooo, I'm engaged I guess? Not weird at all...
We also have a life plan together to live on a canal boat like Rosie and Jim. Danny proceeds to invite me canal boat shopping with him, and asks me to bear him his muppet children.
Pity me please. I had to go along with this. He told me he could picture me giving birth to Kermit the Frog!
This is where the Miss Piggy part comes in. He tells me that I can be Miss Piggy and he can be Gonzo. I said what about Animal, but apparently Animal just wasn't significant enough for Drunk Danny and he simply had to be Gonzo. I delivered the role of Animal to Jason.
Sober Danny was most disappointed with Drunk Danny about this. Apparently he should have been Pepe the King Prawn.
At some point Jason left for a walk, after Danny asked if he was allowed to crawl. Danny being Danny, he decided to pass up on a walk.
"HEY ROBYN I LOST MY DEBIT CARD AGAIN!" was an exclaimation made a few minutes later, and I was told about how he'd been skipping down the road, as incredibly masculine, not at all camp in the slightest, 18 year old guys do, you know, aaaand it fell out of his pocket somewhere along the line.
For the third time in a week.
He sounded so blessed proud of himself as well.
Conversation was weird but not like "i hit myself round the face with a bottle" weird. He told me all about his favourite Disney princess and how he got to meet her on a cruise, etc. We talked about how I hadn't acknowledged his Doctor Who references in the messages he'd sent me the previous day.
I went back and checked and there weren't even any DW references in them. Like, at all.
I kept laughing and exclaiming how funny he was being, and he got all upset and protective of his sober self, convinced that he was just as funny, not under the influence of a spirit with a high volume of alcohol. Sober Danny was pleased to hear of his commitment to himself, but not too pleased to hear of his later drunk crab jokes which had apparently been stolen from Ricky Gervais. Drunk Danny had found it so funny. Drunk Jason didn't understand why a drunk crab would walk forwards.
Teasing Danny about his lonely drunken state and he says "Whatever, I'll have you know I've already phoned 5 other girls this evening asking them to come buy a canal boat with me." I was like "oh, well i see how it is!" And he replied "Joking, i love you!" How rude.
Somehow, the topic of siblings came up, and after telling me how mean his brother could be, I told him the anecdote of my 3 year old thug of a brother stomping on my boob and leaving a Sketcher shaped bruise in a compromising place.
"Wait, what did you say?" He asked. "I didn't quite catch that last bit"
"I said he stomped on my chest and it bruised."
"NO YOU DIDNT YOU LITTLE LIAR YOU! YOU SAID BOOB! You said BOOB!"
Danny got very excited over this for some strange reason. I put this down to jealousy at his lack of said female organs.
Jason came back and I heard a weird exchange between them.
"Jason, seriously! STOP EATING THE HAEMEROID CREAM GOD DAMN IT!"
"Fucks sake Danny, shut up, it's not even haemeroid cream!"
"Antiseptic cream then! SAME DIFFERENCE!"
I was listening in trying not to wet myself laughing. Honestly, it was too much.
There was a discussion about how I thought Danny should go and dunk his head in a bucket of ice water so that he'd calm down, and somehow this led to me dissing ALS, and "come on, admit it, Robyn. You stuck a "kick me" sign on the back of Steven Hawking's wheelchair. You cruel cruel person."
1+1=368845. Drunk Danny maths xD
Asking Danny what he intended to do the following day and I was told "Not nursing the hangover. Because as I've told you, I'M NOT DRUNK!"
He said he'd try and meet me in Canterbury the following afternoon. But I'm 100% sure he forgot. Seeing as he wasn't there. As I predicted xD
There was a loud noise followed by "Oh no, not the matches! Pick em up, quick!" I warned them not to set anything on fire. Even now, I'm not sure what the purpose of the matches was.
I asked them where they were, and Danny pipes up "Well we're not at Jason's house. That's for sure."
So naturally they were at Jason's house.
It struck me to ask Jason how on Earth his family hadnt woken up with all the racket. Drunk Danny exclaims "ROBYN! We've talked about this! His family are dead!"
Jason starts laughing
"They died in a house fire!"
"Which I started"
Aaaand Jason is laughing so much I feared he would bust a gut or something.
There was a point where Danny starts calling us the wrong names. Somehow, Jason became Jenny. I don't even know....
After around 50 minutes on the phone, Danny told me he was falling asleep so had better go, followed by a lot of drunken "I love you"s. I hung up and wondered what the fuck I had just experienced.
I hope people find this half as funny as I did. Just imagine Danny as a hyper ball of energy and that might put into place just what he is like drunk. Forget all woozy. It's more like an ecstasy effect!
Sorry Danny and Jason! At least you know what happened now!