Two posts in one night! I must be going insane!
No, I've been insane for a long time now, sunshine. Get used to it.
So this is kind of a bit more serious, but I'll try and keep it light. The past few months haven't been the biggest bundle of laughs for me. Not only was there exams, dramatic family, relationships with people fluctuating, but there was my back.
I've mentioned it before but the past month especially has been an out-of-control downhill spiral. Beforehand it was bearable but this, this, just makes me miserable like all of the time.
I kept going to the doctors, and told to take ibuprofen. Then they decided codeine was in order. I was told to buy a microwaveable wheat bag so I could ease the pain with heat. I bought one in the shape of a floral owl which smells pleasantly of lavender, how refreshing.
I decided to name him Baymax, as he's my personal healthcare assistant. The sadder/younger readers will understand the reference.
The doctor's refused to send me for an x-ray due to the high cancer risk. Oh. Cheers. I was constantly reminded that my age and gender put me at a higher risk of ovarian cancer. Well I'd be impressed if a guy contracted ovarian cancer, but you know, it's still annoying.
They diagnosed we with chronic pain and sent me to a physio who told me I was too young for her to do anything, it was outside her contract. FANDABBYDOZY. She told me it was just my muscles and no scoliosis or deformities. Apparently I must have had a growth spurt! xD Thanks for that, but your comments didn't help.
I started wearing a back brace after my dad's constant getting on my case about my posture. Also, I kept just going floppy. This thing kept me upright, and also prevented me from moving dodgily.
I showed up at my doctor's again last week unable to eat or sleep and having lost the will to live. Turns out I'd contracted a stomach infection called Gastritis, meaning my stomach lining was inflamed and sore and being attacked by stomach acid, making me feel sick every time I ate anything.
The reason I'd got this? Ibuprofen. It's a medication called an NSAID which can cause stomach infections if a person has a weaker tolerance to them. Which I apparently do. I rarely took it, only at night when I was writhing around, so I must have had a really low tolerance.
I was given a repeat prescription for co-codemol as an alternative painkiller, and I was given PPI tablets to neutralise my stomach acid to allow it to heal.
PPI stands for like everything I swear. Insurance on your payment, medication, breast implants. Which apparently I need, according to my charming mother.
I was also finally referred to the hospital for my x-ray.
But not before being reminded how reluctant they were to do this due to the extraordinarily high risks.
It's like having to choose: blinding pain or the chance of contracting cancer.What a great choice, it's a win win situation, of course.
So I showed up to my x-ray and was told that I'd be better be going to a different hospital which used a digital monitor as it was far safer for a young girl like me. The second I walked through the door to the department, they looked at me with pity and I honestly felt like some sort of sob story.
So I had to check on a hospital gown, remove my bra (which I wasn't impressed about) and walk to the x-ray table with they gown trailing along the floor, listening to my mum shouting "ATTRACTIVE! It's not wonder you don't have a boyfriend!" Cheers, mother
I had to lie on my side on that table with my arse hanging out the slit in the gown, in the foetal position. I lay like that for 10 minutes, even after the flash. I was told:
"We usually take two pictures but I'm just taking the one as you're such a high cancer-risk case that I'm not going to risk it. You may get a letter in the post saying we want you back for the second photo. But don't worry. It's nothing to worry about."
I'M SURE IT'S NOT!
I just have to wait now, googling the signs of ovarian cancer and hoping for the best for my back especially.
The thing is, they could have just sent me for an MRI...which doesn't use radiation...? Or am I being stupid and is my logic flawed...?
We're playing a waiting game and I'm losing.
The reason I'm doing this is I don't think people understand how it is that I really feel. Hopeless is one word. Alone. This is a stupidly unique situation and the thing is, I'm not in pain 5 days a week from 9 till 6. It's 24/7 365. It's always there. The painkillers just take off the edge.Currently, my lumbar spine is in it's usual pain however my right shoulder blade is in an agony I can't even begin to describe it.
I don't want help. I just want people to look out for me. I don't want to have to keep reminding people that I can't do this that and the other and passing, I want to wake up in the morning and find people I care for have arranged to do something suitable for me too.
I don't want unnecessary amounts of attention, this isn't some plea for love and pity, "hey, look at the injured kid!" I just want people to understand how I feel and try and make me feel better. Smiling, laughing, all these things make me feel less like a hopeless, worthless excuse for a human being.